It was five degrees above zero when I awoke this morning in my boyfriend’s warm bed in Indianapolis, In. Too cold to take the dogs out and walk them like I need to, so they lay indoors for days on end, going outside and running back to where I wait at the door as they do their business. But sleep, these dreary winter days are filled with sleep for those of us who consent to the boredom of the frigid temps. Give in and hibernate through the coldest months, that’s what the body language says.
I try to unsettle some anxiety that has settled upon the top part of my mind. Adderall helps me keep most of it under control, back in whatever Pandora’s box it came from inside my subconscious, but it glimmers underneath everything, the worries & what if’s & strain, my mind unable to see the end of the endless agitation.
I’ve been unemployed for weeks now, and I start a new job as a server at a restaurant beside the interstate, just around the corner from where I spend most of my time at my boyfriends house. His mother’s house really, but he has dibs on the walk-in basement. It’s pretty, plenty of space for the dogs to run ’round when the outdoors are being more friendly.
I wonder about so much. It’s hard to spend every minute just catching my thoughts and shooing them away, trying to stay unstuck from the road-rage having panicky and frustrated mindset that’s been my life for so many years.
I wonder if I can do enough as a person, to change, or for other people. I wonder how I can ever repay people for what they’ve done, when I feel I never do enough on my best days for them, let alone when I’m stuck in a rut and mooching to survive. And I wonder how people think of me, I have to worry about how I come across and project myself, filter myself-especially with the whole starting-new-jobs scenario. No better time to shut my mouth and just let people wonder about me, instead of writing me off as a drivel-talking blonde with a tendency to spaz out at times.
I think of all the hobbies I want to do, that I put off for the sake of routine, and all the things I need to do with my life and want to do. It’s all worries, endless, what if, what if, what if.
My goal for 20 13 is less of the what if’s. It’s a hard focus to keep, but I’m determined to find my path. I don’t know where it is or what I need to focus on to get myself where I need to be, but I’m certain that there will be change at least. Days don’t have to be dreary when it’s so sunny around us.